Omaha Momma: Hobbies

Ok I'll Tell You !

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 14:06:49 GMT

If you will direct your attention to the photo album above, you will see my top secret project.

It's a damn rocket man ! Ha !

Now, contrary to what my mother thought after seeing this picture this is not a real working rocket.

It is a mere decoration for the 4th of July.

How did I make such a thing of beauty you ask ?

Well, the tube is a cement form, purchased at Lowe's for 4.74, spray painted of course...duh. ( I heart spray paint, and not just because of the contact high). The top is chicken wire formed into the rocket top and then I wound the star garland around it. It is held in place by the beach umbrella pole, and at the bottom we have sprays of red white and blue tinsel stuck into the ground for the "blasting off" effect.

Now, I should of bought the BIG one to do this with but I didn't. I did though get a job for next 4th of July making many of these for hubs store chain.

Ok so, now you know what I've been doing with spray paint, and now I have to go. My sister will be the first of our 4th of July party guests to arrive, in about 2 hours ! Talk about getting here early !

Ugh

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 02:45:41 GMT

How sad is it that I have shopped for two days in a row for something to wear to this wedding. Still, I have nothing. Which is good considering I didn't buy anything, but bad because of the same damn thing.

I mean really, who can't find an outfit to wear to a backwoods redneck wedding ?!? Me obviously.

There are a few issues here. I could go to Wal Mart ...*gag* and buy something there.

The thing about that is, half of the people at the wedding will have the same outfit on as me if I do that.

I could buy a really cute name brand outfit (at discount prices of course)--the issue there is, God forbid I look nicer than the bride.

I'm not being snobbish, I'm being serious here. That really is a rule--never look nicer than the bride---a sucky rule considering that she may very well be wearing something made out of a camping tarp with some bedazzle shit on it.

So I guess I'll just go down to the big town and buy something the day before the wedding. That pisses me off even more because I HATE shopping in that town. Hate it.

Thursday night the girls and I are going to see my Mom, who is gonna cook dinner for us. Please excuse me while I faint from shock.

Okay, I'm back.

Then Friday off to the museum to learn about Kansas history , ya know like buffalo and.......baby buffaloes ? Hell I dunno, guess that's why I need to pay attention when we go. I'll be sure to spread the knowledge when I return !

Let's all bow our heads and pray that I find something to wear before I leave.........

Bribery is totally cool

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 02:04:36 GMT

I did it. Yep. I bribed my kids out of going to the skate party. It seems that, like LuLu said, I was missing an ingredient to make the weather bad.

I had no choice but to resort to good old fashioned bribes.

The thing is...I think I got the shit end of the deal. I somehow ended up promising to take them and a friend skating next week. What the hell ? ! Damn those sneaky wretched little things I call daughters.

Not only that, Jams best friend is the daughter of whom I fondly refer to as "Horse Teeth"...Horse Teeth will be there too because after hearing the idea she thought it sounded like a great idea to take her other kids too. Son of a whore.

I can be fake with the best of them.

But, for some reason when it comes to this woman....I always have to mentally remind myself that gouging her eyeballs out will do nothing but get me sent to jail and she'd probably still be all "lalala I'm happy as fuck to be alive" and not care that she's blind.

Not only will I be suffering at the skate place she'll be there too.

Which is why I have bribed Mel, and hopefully more people to come and suffer alongside me. If I suffer everyone suffers.

Oh man...on YouTube today, I saw the most disturbing thing. Which is upsetting considering it is something that is supposed to be the total opposite of disturbing....just remember there is such a thing as " too much of a good thing." As in 6 years too much.

I can't even say what it was , no....really I just can't. I felt all dirty and scurvy after watching it. And, I'm kinda worried that the police might be tracking whoever viewed the video.

Nope can't tell ya. I mean I would but, then what if I did and I said some "keyword" and the cops came and I was arrested for watching....that.

Sunday

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:48:42 GMT

Last night we had a total blast !

The derby was great, there were so many people there, so I'm sure the fundraising was a big success.

Krissy came with us (Tawny and I), and that girl ended up getting tore up....the best thing about that is when she's drunk, there's no reason for us to drink too much. We can just sit back and laugh at her !

For example: She spilled some of her appletini on her shirt , and instead of taking a napkin to wipe it off ? She sucked the drink off of her shirt. Then proceeded to lick her whole hand to make sure there was none left on her fingers.

I did cut Tawnys hair yesterday. Her hair was down to almost her ass, and we had to cut off about 4 inches , and she decided she wanted bangs too. Bangs were a big decision for her . So I tucked her sides behind her ears, and cut her bangs.

After I got done she anxiously goes to see her reflection in the microwave, not realizing that her sides are still tucked behind her ears . She just stood there a second and started to cry and said " that looks bad !"

I'm like "what ?!?! You said you wanted bangs dammit and I cut them right where you said !"

"It looks like a fucking mullet !"

Oh my God I laughed so hard when I realized her hair was still tucked and in the reflection of the microwave it did look just like a mullet. Tawny on the other hand didn't find it so funny, not even when I called her Joe Dirt.

I mean helllooo like I'd give her a mullet ?!?!

They left about 9 this morning to go back to Topeka.

*Sigh*.................... I'm gonna miss my baby sister after having her here all week.

Who links to me?

Good Times

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 02:28:08 GMT

My sister, her hubs, and their kids got here Friday night. They came up so that Tawny and I could go to the Roller Derby on Saturday. So we went to the derby and had a great time, we even found two seats in the front row that weren't taken so we were right there...and almost got skates plowed into our faces a couple of times ! It was sweet ! Only one real fight though, and it happened between two of the Omaha Roller Girls that are on the same damn team, but were having a "bout" against each other. What can ya do when you hate a bitch ? Same team or not, you want your current team to win, and you really do hate her...it is the perfect time to kick her ass. Just sayin' I can see her side of it .

After that we went to a party for a morning radio show (that is now syndicated) that I listen to everyday,Todd 'N Tyler .Well the party was the people who created/run the website for it and a few of us VIP's of Omaha ;) Meeting all of them was great, and I love them !

We really had a good time, but had to leave pretty early so Tawny could drive home without a hangover today. (Never a fun thing to drive 3 hours in a car full of kids trying not to vomit--not that I would know).

We ate at IHOP (because my sister has never had stuffed french toast...FREAK), and made it home by 11:30 ....I know, how many rockstars are home at 11:30, right ? Well, two of them were last night. I'm getting old I do believe. Pppfttt. No, it's just because I just had a baby and I'm tired. Next time I'll have to find a new excuse.

Picture of my day--Well a piece of a picture of my day.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 21:51:23 GMT

6.00 a.m.

Get up.

Say G’mornin to Hubs.

Go pee.

Yell at Hubs for taking such stank ass shit in my bathroom.

Feed the baby.

Burp the baby.

Clean baby spit from shirt.

Look for burp cloth.

Give up looking.

Feed the baby more.

Burp the baby again.

Clean spit up from hair.

Wonder how in the hell it got in hair.

Then wonder why I didn’t just find burp cloth.

Remember that Didda took all burp cloths and put them in a place that makes everything invisible.

Tell Hubs to have a fanfuckintastic day at work.

Change the baby’s diaper.

Baby pees all over before new diaper is on.

Get new diaper.

Baby has a shitstorm the second you fasten new diaper.

Wait to make sure baby is done.

Change diaper.

Talk to baby.

Make fish faces at baby.

6.40

Get more coffee.

Wish they sold nicotine laced coffee.

Wish they made cigarettes that didn’t produce smoke, smell, or cancer.

Let Jay out.

Smell dog shit.

See dog shit.

Curse outloud.

Clean dogshit.

Get online.

Baby cries.

Hold baby and answer emails typing with one hand.

7.00 a.m.

Wake Jam, Bana and Soph

Listen to how unfair it is that they are up before the sun.

Tell them that “ no it is not colder in the house today than it was yesterday.”

Prove this by showing the temp on the thermostat.

Wonder why in the hell I’m proving myself to my kids.

Realize I don’t have time to ponder that fucking question right now.

Argue with Bana about appropriate winter clothes…which do not include gaucho pants or tank tops.

Tell Jam that since she wanted the jeans with the hole in them so damn bad that she has to wear them once in awhile.

Pull a "mom" by telling her " because I said so" is a good enough damn reason !

7.20

Tell Boph to get her little butt out of bed.

Let Jay in.

Baby cries.

Plink binky in babys mouth.

Make fish face at baby,

Baby smiles.

Keep making fish face until Baby cries.

Tell Baby she’s no fun.

7.25

Fix breakfast

Not understand how it’s possible to have 4 choices in cereal and none of them “ sound good” to anyone.

Wish they made Xanax laced cereal.

Tell Didda to stay off the counter.

Bribe Didda off the counter with cereal bar.

Tell Jay that he is not going back outside just to bark at “ speedwalker lady”

7.30

Threaten Boph’s well being if she does not get up in 10 seconds.

Tell her that looking at me like that will not make me curl up and die--this does not stop her.

Give in and let Jay out to bark at “speed walker lady” as she walks back by.

Get lecture from girls about how mean I am for letting baby cry.

7.50

Make girls turn of VH1 and get all papers signed that need it, and homework into backpacks.

Try to remember which way Didda went after she got off the counter.

Look for Didda.

Didda is hiding from Momma.

Can’t find Didda.

Fear that Didda is outside in the snow naked running down the block.

Momma hears Didda laugh .

Tell her she is funny girl, but don’t find her because I know she’s not out front in the snow with no clothes on.

Let Jay in while telling him how much it would please me to drop him off at the shelter.

Explain to Jay that he should thank the girls, they are his only salvation at this point.

8.15

Get all girls into truck.

Make Didda accept that her sister can fasten her seatbelt even if she wants Momma to.

Drive girls to school.

Baby cries.

Didda tells me 19 times that the baby is still crying.

Talk on phone to schedule check-ups for kids at the doctors office.

Wait at stoplight for 9 minutes.

While waiting on hold for 7 minutes.

Wave at all my friends while we take turns getting into the parking lot.

Flip off all the bitches that cut me off getting into the parking lot.

Explain to receptionist at doctors office that I was not talking to her when I said “ya fucking whorebag!”

Promise girls I won't call the principal that ever again.

Come home.

See that Jay got into the trash.

Chase Jay.

Wait for Jay to get out from under chair.

Pretend to leave the chair.

Call Jay dumbshit for being a dumbass dog that fell for that.

Chase Jay back outside.

Talk to sister on phone for the 1^st of 27 times today.

Advise sister on bedroom set styles and fashion.

9.20

Go upstairs to pee.

Look at bed.

Wish I was in bed.

Remember that the sheets have to be washed today.

Take sheets to laundry room.

Remember that I didn’t pee when I was upstairs.

Go back upstairs.

Wonder why there is a steak knife on the dresser.

Worry that a cat burglar came into the house while I was taking the girls to school.

Start to freak out.

Think of all the scary movies I’ve watched that start with similar scenes.

Get brave and walk through all the rooms looking for cat burglar.

Bust open all doors while taking a karate/cheerleading stance to scare burglar.

Search for burglar comes up empty.

Still wonder about knife .

Finally go pee.

I was going to do a picture of the whole day, but it’s pretty boring.

So I won’t make you suffer through that.

You’re welcome.

Right I didn't even catch that

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:10:19 GMT

There are some days that my world is filled with nothing but assholes. Those days here lately are most days.

The thing that makes these people assholes in my book is the fact that the don't have the balls to flat out say something that they know will piss you off.

If it is your intent to say something that is gonna piss me off, say it loud and clear OR shut the fuck up. Plain and simple.

If you don't have the balls to say what you feel you need to say then crawl back under your fucking rock and stay there.

If you feel the need to disguise your little potshot, then you don't have the balls to say it.

If you say it and then I call you out on it and you deny that you meant it like that....no balls and a fucking pussy is what you are.

I am so tired and irritated with people who do that. Remember the school yard bully...the whole " I knock you down so I feel better" bullshit...what I don't understand is why grown people still do the shit.

Unlike the bully though, when you say " excuse me what do you mean by that ?" They backpeddle and say " oh I would never mean it like that. What. The. Fuck. Ever.

Oh ...and what they don't see too is that when you are talking to them and they talk so much shit about just about everyone.....they think that you wouldn't see that when they are around the people who they just talked shit on that they are talking shit on YOU. DUH.

But I'm so slow and refuckingtarded that I wouldn't know that !

Cuz I's just a dumb hick.

Don't need no college edumacation to stay home and have kids...t'aint needed.

Don't you think for one second that I can't figure out exactly what you are saying, your fake ass compliments are nothing but your shit talking wrapped in a prettier box.

Don't need no speshul glasses to see right on through there neither.

Monday

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 15:02:02 GMT

If you listened to baby girl describe Christmas decorations, you would think that she celebrates some odd satanic holiday.

When we are shopping and see the Christmas trees, she yells.." look at the chicken tree !" ....then the snowmen..." ohhh pumpkinheads Momma look !" , then my favorite so far..." Satan Clause is coming !" But she says it like it's a threat and not a good thing.

If you say what they really are and make her repeat it then it all comes out fine, but on her own she has come up with some crazy shit so the combination of all them makes it look like we teach her that ...

We didn't send out Christmas cards this year, the first time ever I think. And I was feeling ok about it until we started getting a flood of the damn things in the mail. Now I feel crappy about not doing it, but I'm pretty sure I'll get over it.

The part about Christmas cards that kills me is when you get pictures of peoples kids that you hardly know. Like....what am I supposed to do with that picture ? Frame it and put it up and when people ask who it is say " oh that's Jenny that I went to first grade with and all her kids and husband. "?

Oh and the letters that you get telling you how fabulous life is for then sender. Although I bitch about them they are quite a source of amusement for me. Mainly because the people who send them forget that even though we moved away we still know people that know them and we hear all the real shit that has happened to them throughout the year.

"We bought a new 14 billion square foot house in April." ---yeah ? You forgot to add that you claimed bankruptcy in July but okay !

" Jim got a new job and he loves it !" Hahahhaaa....he got a new job because he failed the random drug test at his old one ya dumbass !

Then you get some that put way too much information in them. Like how they are going through marriage counseling, or that Johns sperm count is low so he's undergoing some new treatment. Shit that I just don't need to know.

Ah well, if people weren't stupid then I wouldn't have anything to bitch about I suppose.

Let it Begin

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 03:04:00 GMT

The realization that I have such little time before I have 5 kids....is setting in.

Holy shit.

I don't need a calender or a countdown. My body is giving me clues every single day that we're getting close.

It hurts when I do this.

It pulls my left side when I turn right.

I have heartburn from....well from everything.

Getting out of bed takes 3 tries at least...and as long as my hip doesn't catch on the 3rd try, I'm good.

I wake up at 2 a.m. to eat, then to watch t.v. until 4 a.m. then back to sleep until 6:30 a.m. when it's time to eat again. Only to have my stomach start to swish and gurgle for an hour, then it starts to growl again.

I wish they made doughnuts in I.V form so at least I could sleep while I ate . Wait. Doughnuts and peaches.

Oh and I wake up to pee at around midnight, 1 a.m. and 5 a.m.

Sooo...between the eating, peeing, , Jay's newfound love of night time potty breaks and then accounting for the time it takes me to get out of bed.....I'm getting a good 3 minutes of sleep every night.

Sleep deprived I can do...but when your mouth hurts from chewing all the time and your hoo-ha hurts from wiping....you've got issues more pressing than not sleeping.

But at least when she gets here, it'll be the baby eating and peeing every few hours and not me. Jay is gonna have to learn to let his own ass out to pee.

And, after she gets here this feeling of a softball being lodged higher up in my ass the more I walk will go away too.

Ehh...I hope it's from her. If not, we'll be adding that to my list of issues .

No coffee cups, but we have silverware !

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 20:25:52 GMT

At Target yesterday I couldn't decide on coffee cups, and while I was browsing around hubs decided that we needed more silverware . He tossed it into the cart and I didn't even realize we had new silverware until he was putting it in the dishwasher.

Coffee cups dear, we needed more coffee cups. Whatever.

We do have a history of losing silverware though so I guess planning ahead is a good thing.

He didn't go to the doctor with me either. Banas got sent home from school with a red swollen throat. So they all stayed here.

Baby is good, I'm good. These two week appointments are pointless. Unless you're facing medical problems . But I paid for it, so I'll go and see how fat my ass is getting.

Actually I see a midwife, not a doctor. Which is essentially the same thing, except a midwife can't do a c-section on their own. Sometimes when people hear that you see a midwife they have this vision in their head that when you give birth you'll head out to the backwoods and do some voodoo around a campfire. And, all the laboring mother gets for pain is a leather strap to bite on.

Not the case, really.

Everything is the same, except if you'd like a midwife will stay with you the whole time you're in labor they do. I can get drugs if I want, the whole shebang.

But my doctor in Kansas did that too if we wanted. Stayed with us . He was a an exception though. He delivered both of my baby brothers, all my sisters babies, and all mine. We knew him better than we know most of our family. And.....he knew our hoo-has better than our husbands .

In Nebraska, it's illegal to give birth anywhere but a hospital. You can't have a baby at home, and if a medical professional were to let you or help you do so they'd lose their license. I mean on purpose when I say that I don't mean " oh my water broke oh the baby is out in 3.5 minutes."

I'm not saying that I'd have a baby at home. But I just think it's weird that people can't choose to do that if they wanted to.

Baby girl got a " big girl" bed yesterday. She was still in the crib, and has never once tried to climb out or complained. But I wanted her to be in her big girl bed for a few months , while new baby is in the bassinette in our room. That way she won't think that we kicked her out of her bed to give to the baby.

See ? Except for the damaging names I give my kids, I do consider mental damage. Well, I do what I can, me being their mom and hubs being their dad has it's own damaging aspects. And, there ain't a damn thing I can do about that.

It's almost like stealing

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 20:47:14 GMT

When you go to "Richmans" aka: goodwill...on 99 cent day. I mean I sort of feel naughty...like I'm stealing stuff.

I got 14 items, 13 of which still had the tags on....for 99 godforsaken cents man. Shirts for the big girls....Tommy Hilfiger, Abercrombie, Limited Too, Aeropostle , and 3 Carters nightgowns and 3 Carters sleepers for new baby.

The one thing that didn't have the tag on is total 80's retro. Long black t-shirt with a hot pink outline of David Frickin' Bowie..for Jam and Bana. They didn't get why in the hell I was so crazy excited about this find , but I don't really care.

I paid for my shit, and ran out of there like the grinch ...high stepping it all the way to the truck with an evil grin and my huge bag of loot. I was slightly afraid they might realize how much money they could've charged me and make me come back !

The bad thing about going to Richmans on Sunday and 99 cent day is, it seems that it's no-speakie English day too.

Oh, and "leave your kids in the toy area to scream play bang on and beg people to buy shit for them day too."

There was a little no-speakie in the toys, about baby girls age if that, playing all alone, snot running down her face, hair in knots that will never come out, and a diaper full of shit. No parent to be seen. I felt bad just leaving her there, I would of felt bad if something had happened to her, even if her parents didn't.

I mean I didn't feel bad enough to not leave her I was just making a point that I do have a conscience is all.

Pffft. There was shit to buy, and there were other people there that might buy it first. It was 99 cent day remember ? !

It was too risky to stay with her.

Hubs told me today that his company wants to bring me in for a couple of days again to do the Christmas decorating. I'm up for it, I'll get paid this year, which probably means dinner with the V.P. -C.O.O...and their wives again but I don't care . That's not what it's about. It's about makin' hubster look good, ahem I mean makin' the company look good.

Since I'm more than top heavy it means that I get to boss other people around and make them climb on and off the damn cooler tops.

So I need to drag out the pics of last years deco's so I don't re-do what's been done, and get some ideas on how to make it bigger and better.

Ohhh and I just remembered too that I get to shop for all the stuff for decorating and I don't have to pay for it ! Bonus !

Get your Fash-On

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 15:27:11 GMT

I have an "important service announcement" for a few people.

Just because 80's styles are coming back....DOES NOT mean that you just pull out your 1980's shit that's still in your closet and wear it like it's "new"...Mmmkay ?

There is an obvious difference between 80's inspired, and 80's smells like mothballs from a musty basement. (The offenders are usually wearing the same hairstyle from the 80's too)

Look I never said that half the shit that's coming back is a good idea...but if you're gonna do it...do it right.

The bad half includes....the worst of them all in my opinion...vests...barf....guys in vests over long sleeve shirts. Then we have leggings...they don't look good on anyone over the age of 15, skinny or fat, it doesn't matter, there's not a damn thing flattering about them. Oh and if you pair it with a "big sweater" and wear it out in public, you're just asking for it.

"Skinny jeans"....ugh..why oh why were they thought of it the first place, not to mention bringing them around full circle. I swear to you yesterday, I saw a woman wearing "skinny jeans"...but yet, she forgot to tell her ankles that they were skinny jeans. Her ankles were surrounded by doughnuts of skin, that poured over her flat shoes. She wasn't really a big woman, those jeans , they were just so ill-fitted.

What got me going on this was being at a large public event the other night. When you have so many people in one place it's easy to pick out who's stuck in the 80's , who's a slob alllll the time, and the people that understand there's a time and place for everything.

When you are making an "appearance" at an event such as this. And, your husband holds a high position in the company that is sponsoring the event....you DO NOT wear a hoodie and terry cloth pants. ( Yeah you just had a baby...6 months ago, your lazy phase ran out after 2 weeks doll)

I myself am a HUGE fan of the almighty hoodie....and some comfy pants. But you'd never in a million years catch me wearing that when I'm chatting with the President, Vice President, and members of the board of my husbands company. I wouldn't even wear that outfit to his store to shop, because you never know who might pop in while you're there.

It's about having class. Or at least pretending you do, for your own good.

The day I went to the hospital to have baby girl. I got up, did my make-up , my hair, and wore my jewelry. Just about everyone thought it was ludacris and pointless. Well, when you consider the fact that minutes after you have that baby you'll have visitors some you know well and some you don't know so well. And the fact that pictures of you will be on the internet soon after that....why not at least fix your hair ? And guess what ?

When I got home from the hospital, my friends were talking about the pictures and laughing at me....and only one person came to my defense right then. My mother in law. She said..."Jess it shows class." She knew too about the visitors we'd been having, and the pictures. She knew too that it would make a difference. If there's one thing about my mother in law that never fails, it's class. There's not a damn person in this world that would question her if she said she was going to buy the whole car dealership she just pulled up to, because first of all she reeks of class. And, second, pretty much everyone is afraid of her ...hehe....not physically , but she could get George W. fired if she really wanted to.

~What I'm trying to say here is. Like it or not, your appearance reflects on more than just yourself.

And, like it or not people are going to judge you from the time you open you eyes until the time you die.

In my opinion, it's much easier to look like you belong and have people judge you for something you said or did, than give them the opportunity to dismiss you the second they lay eyes on you because you wore your jammies .~

I have my handbasket, now which way to hell ?

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 21:00:00 GMT

Normally shopping is a good thing. That is until you have to take all 4 of my girls shoe shopping. First of all , I always wondered who really believed those damn commercials saying " these shoes will make you run faster, jump higher, etc."

Yeah well that'd be my kids.

Not only that , they decide during the shopping trip that they should be able to design their own shoes. "Ohhh those are cute, but they'd be awesome if they had this on here like those ones do, oh and then if you could add the ties from that pair."

Then right when I'm convinced that we're are done and ready to go, one of them always, always decides to go back and try on the first pair they tried on. Which in turn, gives one of the others a chance to rethink the pair they have and do the same fucking thing. So that means, that I of course have no time to look for shoes for me, because by then ,baby girl is pissed or, thinks that one pair of shoes is not enough.

We walk in the door, and baby girl takes her shoes off instantly ( the ones she flipped out about having on the whole time during the shopping trip) and won't put them back on. *Great use of money there.* The big girls all put their shoes on, and have to go outside and time themselves running . Because of course, the shoes not the feet in them are what makes you fast remember ?

Hubs is working late tonight, so the girls and I will be gourmet dining. As in macaroni and cheeese, and french fries.

I of course will just be having french fries, with a side of white gravy, because that is pretty much the best food ever. That is Nebraska gourmet right there dammit. Actually I think it's more of a Kansas thing, because when I ask for gravy with my fries here they look at me funny. Ohhh speaking of gravy.....chocolate gravy sounds so effin' good right now too. That I think is an Arkansas thing ? I dunno, my Granny makes it and that's where they are from , and contrary to what you believe we are not the only family that eats it. One of thse days I'm gonna get the recipe , and maybe I'll share it ....

Things still to do

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:13:31 GMT

Jams birthday party is in 25 hours and I'm still not done ! The requested cake we'll make tonight...still gotta figure out what's going on the cake but I'll get to that.

I'm almost done with the palm tree leaves and grass skirts for the tables. Both of those are made out of brown paper lawn and leaf bags..the palm tree leaves are painted of course, not still brown. I think the floor lamp is gonna be the palm tree...that way I don't have to try and make a tree trunk too.

Oh crap, I have a few more flowers to make too.

So I think the only thing I have to buy still are the little hawaiian lei bracelets( yeah Dollar Store !)...because we already had everything else ...the lei's for the deco's and for the partygoers, and some other hawaiian-ish shit .

I found a piece of white cardboard out in the garage too, and it's pretty tall. I think it'd make a great surfboard. Although, I'm gonna have to "Google" that ( the shape and size) because I haven't been around many surfboards in my time. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever even seen a real surfboard. *put that on my to do before I die list*

She wants cheeseburgers off the grill for her birthday too...but after last night her only request was that we don't have chili. I think the fact that we had chili for dinner 4 nights this week made her think that we're only eating chili for the rest of our lives. Look it was a huge pot of chili, and it was good, and that was 4 nights that I didn't have to really cook. All big plus factors, but I can see her point.

Baby girl has somehow found another marker to tattoo herself with. Of course it's a sharpie and it's bright green. Last week it was a pen, then a paint marker. Yet somehow when I look for something to write with I end up using a damn crayon becuse I can't find anything to write with. So, gotta go and scrub her off before we head to the dollar store .

Homework

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 14:06:24 GMT

The girls like to do their homework at the table with me while I'm working on my "artsy fartsy" stuff. Meaning ..they talk the whole time...forget what they were doing...and critique my work ...brats. So yesterday I told them " do your thing and if you need help I'm right here....other than that ...zip it."

So Bana did her homework, and then started on her newly thought of book idea...Tophers was gettin' help from Dad, and Jam was working on her assignment to to draw a picture of and write a bit about Lou Gehrig.

She remembered most of his stats, except for one so she wrote what she knew and said she'd google the other in a bit.

So she starts to draw his picture, and her and Banas start arguing over the crayons.

"I think he has brown eyes...."

" Well all I have is sparkle purple so that will have to do Jam."

"Ugh ok..fine"

" Ok I need skin color...."

"I don't have any...how about yellow ?"

After about 3 minutes Jam says..."Mom, this is ridiculous...this thing looks like a muppet !"

She's holding up the picture, and yes ...if you draw Lou Gehrig with yellow skin, and purple sparkle eyes...he does look like a muppet. Sorry Lou.

She goes to google whatever it was she needed then comes back downstairs....

"Mom how did they know that Lou Gehrig had Lou Gehrigs disease ?...I mean how weird is that ?! "

Heh...yeah totally weird huh.

So , I got nothing done...except for explaining that whole Lou Gehrigs Disease thing...and finding an apricot crayon for skin color.

It IS quite large....

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 14:20:20 GMT

A giant silkworm....Ew ! He was almost 5 and a half inches long ! But, there's no denying that it is a wicked cool looking creature...so pictures were totally called for.

Plans are now in full swing for JamTarts birthday party..a luau...woohoo ! I haven't done a luau in a long time, and they are fun to decorate for ! I already had a bunch of decorations from last year when Banas wanted a hawaiian theme...until the day before her party when she decided that a costume party would be cooler...

But we still have a bunch of flowers to make, so that is my "mom assignment" today..go get all the shit for the flowers ....

The only hard part about this party is that it's on the first day of fall...and it hurts me terribly to not drag out every single piece of autumn colored, fall themed shit that I own. I'll survive being one day late for it I guess...but I will bitch about it too.

It's so weird that I've become one of "those". Coming from somewhere that only decorated for Christmas....and turning into...the one whose house smells like I'm making cinammon spiced apples, and baking pumpkin pie 24/7. Krissy said last year that walking into our house after mid September is like walking into a gift shop that has just gotten ready for fall.

It was a small addiction at first, this fall thing of mine. But every year after season I buy more for the next year. So then when it's time to decorate I open all my new stuff and it's BETTER than Christmas !

Small addiction...pffttt....

I pride myself on this shit ok ? Don't ask why...because I doubt it matters. And, if you overanalyze it I'm sure it's gonna have something to do with supressed anger as a child or the fact that I didn't get a cornsilk cabbage patch kid for my 9th birthday.

Like I said ...doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I still have to shampoo the carpet , and I think we need to change the paint color in the living room again. It's been bugging me since we brought the t.v. up there....

Alright dammit...Mr.Serious is trippin out about this survey I tried to sneakily avoid...so here it is BOB !

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1-Mom, Jess, Dr. Jess

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD, INCLUDING THE ONE YOU NOW HAVE: 1.OmahaMomma 2. Emerald 3. GoddessMidori

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. I'm fun 2. I'm lovable ?3. I am quick witted.

3 THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My teeth2. My hair today3. The after effects of 4+ kids leaving this mess of an ass I have.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. German 2.Blackfoot and Crow Indian 3. I dunno I'll have to ask my mom what the postman was.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Dying2. People I love dying 3. Failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1.My kids 2. My man 3. My computer

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. Seafoam green t-shirt 2. A ponytail 3. A smile ;)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists) 1.The Doobie Brothers 2. Metallica always rocks 3. The Dixie Chicks---oh shut up ...

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS 1.Being rich and famous 2. going on A REAL honeymoon 3.I'd like to try a new truck too !

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given): 1.Honesty--but not like the brutal kind ! 2. Trust 3. Back rubs that don't end in "I'm pregnant "!

TWO LIES AND A TRUTH.. Can you guess which is a truth?

1. I'm rich 2. I've only slept with one guy. 3. I love prunes.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. eyes 2. smell 3. hands

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. Ride a rollercoaster

2. "Get" golf 3. Sleep all night.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Writing 2. Making things... 3. SHOPPING !

THREE MSN BLOGGERS YOU WANT TO PARTY WITH: Moe-Jeezy, Protoford, Bob !

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Eat dinner 2. Eat dessert 3. Go to bed

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: Ok well I'm not really considering any...but I was gonna be a doctor, then an author, then an inventor

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Ireland 2. Seattle (again) 3. Funky town

THREE TRUE LOVES 1. My Husband 2.My girls 3.Autumn

THREE FAVORITE ANIMALS 1. Dogs..? 2. that's about it..

THREE REASONS WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS 1. Because Bob is killin' me 2. Cause I was asked to 3.I know that some people may not get through the rest of their lives not knowing these important things about me ?

Cross eyed

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 05:07:35 GMT

Been focusing on painting all frickin' day..my eyes are not happy about staring at the same shit for hours on end...so they decided to gang up on me and look at each other.

The girls have this thing with their backpacks...ya know they gotta add all the extra crapola to make them fit their personality..keychains...and whatever else they can hook on there. Clankin' and jinglin' all over the damn place. So...today I bought some plain black backpacks...for a steal at 5.99 each ! And have been painting and fabulizing them.

These are the most pimpin' ass backpacks EVAH ! Ahem *toot toot* <---that was my lil' horn...

If I could see straight I'd take pictures , but that has to wait.

The girls stayed up with me until almost 11:30 ! We were chatting about the open house that we went to earlier tonight, and about teachers , and the fabulous-ness of the backpacks...when out of nowhere Bana got delirious from being tired and started that laughing until she coudln't breathe thing...It started because her suggested name for Norbert was "Pencil". Yeah...I dunno, she gets it from her dad I think.

Went to Lowe's today too....the chosen color is bordeaux....so kinda red..kinda not. Doesn't matter because when I talk about it I' going to say "it's bordeaux"... Sunday is paint the door and shutters day...and Monday...school starts !!! So...that means ....ok well I would say it means I can plant the mums and blah blah blah...but that'd be a lie...I'm going out to lunch ...probably all day.

My uncle called and left me a message yesterday...they are gonna be in town tomorrow to go to the zoo and wanted to know if we wanted to have lunch with them. Uhh ...no. I know he's my uncle but..I saw him and my aunt for the first time in 10 years back in April....and I'm good for another 10 years. I don't have anything against them, just don't really know them .

Ya know I've been up for ..for...a long damn time...and I'm tired. Nigh-Nigh...

Just being honest

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 17:40:54 GMT

You know what I would love ?

I would love it if people would quit fucking annoying me.

And...I'd love it too if I could somehow NOT get the most jankity ass shopping cart every damn time I'm at the grocery store. I look around at everyone else shopping away with their little carts that are fine..and here I am with the bitch ass cart that has a wheel about to fall off , or screeches like a dying cat when it moves.

I would love to take a nap, No. I would love to go to bed now and sleep until tomorrow.

I would really fucking love it if for one measly month we had no bills. None.

I'd love it if my teeth were perfect.

Oh, and I'd really really like it if I got an unexpected fabulous package in the mail, or flowers at my door.

Having something in the fridge that sounds good for lunch would make me happy.

Not peeing every 19 seconds would make me even happier.

Nuttin'

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 19:07:27 GMT

I've been working feverishly ....hahahahahaaa...ok well I've twiddlefucked around with some stuff ...working feverishly just sounded good.

Been working on some stuff for my Etsy shop ..it's been neglected for quite awhile. And, I even cleaned scratch that..I scrubbed the kitchen late last night. The weather change made me do it. It was so cool and nice out, like fall.

When fall rolls around I always feel the urge to somehow make our house more "homey"..as in comfy and inviting..not as in I bring a gangster over.

I had to hold myself back from painting the walls or moving furniture, it was 11 p.m. and everyone else was asleep .

But, it's getting hot again so ...let the laziness commence !

Naw, I think I'm on a pretty good roll here...but this too shall pass. Just gonna take the mojo when I can get it and do what I can with it.

I have to soak a piece of wood for dinner. First time sayin' that I'll tell ya. Hubs brought home a pork loin roast from the food show that is chipotle/barbeque flavor. It comes on a little piece of wood that you have to soak in water for two hours then you put it all on the grill. Yeah I dunno really, but I'm gonna try it. It's not on the market yet, so we are test dummies for this ...*Here's to hoping it's good !*

Focus

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 20:36:31 GMT

I'm seriously thinkin' that I have ADD ..err ADHD...wait....no not ADHD because that's something about hyperactvity so I know I don't have that. Whatever..my point is I cannot focus on one damn thing.

I start one project then remember that I need to finish another..then think of something else that would be cool to do. Then remember that I only have a few more things to add to my altered book...look for the book, I can't FIND the book...but I find some other cool shit that I forgot I had.

I just remembered that I didn't find the book...shit.

Go downstairs to get a glass of water..end up talking to the dog, switching laundry and coming back upstairs without a glass of water. So..I go back downstairs , and see the mail go by, check the mail, see a late payment thing in there, call the place to make the payment. Then fix the kids some lunch, and look at their new fabulous Bratz house they made...and go back upstairs...without my goddamn water.

Screw it I guess I'm not that thirsty.

I know that part of my *lack of focus* is because of the *lack of sleep* issue...crazy dreams again...but these dreams are ok with me because , although I don't know how I got that way but in the dreams...I'm quite rich.

What I can say is I know it's not because I became a motivational speaker.

Tell the Truth

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 03:54:08 GMT

How many times have you "Googled" your name...real name...blog name...maiden name ?....Really tell the truth !

Now...tooting my little horn...isn't a norm for me unless it involves some sort of bad ass deal I found. Ya know great jeans at 75% off regular price,,,etc.

But today ....I can't help it !

In January I think it was ? The person(s) at Nebraska Arts Preserve found me...and for some unkown reason , they liked me. I figure they are into drugs but hey that's not my business.

Then, in February, I was mentioned in a local newspaper called "The Reader".

Later , in April or May, I was invited to be on a panel, and do some altered book art, at the "OmahaLitFest", by an award winning Omaha author...who happens to live quite close to me...Timothy Schaffert. (Who drinks martinis at noon...so that's his reason ;)

Honestly...I thought the offer was sort of a joke, or one of those invitations that aren't really meant to be accepted...ya know ?

Like when you see a snooty mom from the school and you say

" oh we'll have to get together sometime"...when you know damn well you're not gonna call that bitch.

Well.....by golly ...they put my name on the website so I guess they ain't kiddin' !

I mean ...my name . is. on. the fucking. page.

Really it is...I Googled it dammit !

Smack my ass and call me Sally .

Wait...

My name ? Is on the page ? With REAL authors ? Sonofabitch. This was really cool and fun and neat-o, until I realized that I am going to be in with people who get paid to write shit. I've read their shit..and it's good shit. I've paid to read some of their shit, some of you have paid to read it !

I have so much to do before September...

First of all, I'm gonna need someone to hold this developing fetus for me.

Second, my hair...what am I gonna do with my hair ?!?!

Oh back to the fetus thing. What am I going to WEAR ? Ugh !

By September my choices in clothes will be narrowed to what Omaha Tent and Awning carries, so I hope they have something besides the striped tents. You think they'd make me a tent of black leather ?

And, if I act like a fucktard I won't be able to blame alcohol, because that whole getting wasted while pregnant thing is pretty taboo 'round these parts.

So if you should decide to come, look for me . I'll be the black leather blob in the corner , the sound of the leather squeaking will be obvious because I'll be sobbing, pretending that I forgot to take my meds for schizophrenia.

Went Shoppin'

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 01:37:03 GMT

I had to. It's been two weeks since I've shopped ! Two weeks !

I mean who can do that and stay sane ? It's just not right I tell ya.

Oh I did see some white trash bitch shoplifting too....well..for a bit , but it turns out that security did too.

So I watched her get busted too.

Ahh sweet justice.

Seriously ...if you can't afford to put a window in your car to replace that Hefty bag...you need to shoplift at Goodwill...or Wal-Mart...as to not make yourself so obvious . Ok ?

I'm just sayin'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So my major savings buys today were two pairs of shorts originally 35 dollars each..and one pair of jeans originally 54 dollars..all for 17 dollars....thank you thank you. *Bow*Bow*Curtsey*

I've been on a mad hunt for a great new purse...and still am. Nothing fabulous today.

But that's quite alright...there's always tomorrow.

twiddle your thumbs

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 21:21:59 GMT

Confucious say : Bean dip with mold growing is bad bean dip.

Jess say : Yes Confucious it is.

That bastard is wise.

I'm feeling friskyyyy.....meow meow meow meow...

No not the naughty kind..or the meow mix kind...just feel like I need to put on a wig and rob a liquor store or something.

*Ahem* I mean...maybe stop over at the dollar store and get some cheap toilet paper and plastic forks.

Sometimes after life's been mediocre for awhile...ya need some plastic forks is all.

Tomorrow we're going to see fireworks I guess...just a block away so we can see most of it from here...but the girls wanna see ALL of it.

Jay will be confined to the kennel for the duration of the 4th. JackAss had to go and eat 3 boxes of "snappers" and some smoke bombs and puke all over...I'm pretty sure that we own the dumbest fucking dog in the world.

Weekend

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 14:05:30 GMT

Not that it matters much to me..but it's Saturday.

Got up around 6, it's almost 9 now...and I'm still the only one awake.

Even JayDawg went out to pee..and came in to take over my spot in bed.

It was his birthday yesterday...he's 1 ...and just like I do with the kids. I wish he was a baby again.

When he was a baby and naughty...it was sort of cute.

Cuteness wears off quickly. Especially when I can tell he plans shit.

He knows when what he's doing is bad...and it's not funny anymore ya little fucker !

He is really the first dog I've ever had that is an inside dog. Growing up we had 30 dogs...but we were out in the country and they ran all over all the time. Bringing dogs in the house was a no-no.

They were always dirty, covered in ticks...and some of them weren't even nice.

I couldn't imagine Jay being dirty, not to mention covered in blood sucking bugs.

When we go out to my Moms they make fun of him...poor Jay...I don't let him run all over out in the country. And he has to take baths.

But really he is a city dog. When it's hot out ..he doesn't even want to be out there. He's dumb, but not ignorant.

He pees...then opens the back door and lays in the family room half inside and half outside. He wants to see what's goin' on outside...but he wants to have the luxury of the cool wood floor and air conditioning while he does it. You can make him move a dozen times and shut the door...and 13 times he'll open the damn thing back up and lay back down.

Ok I'll admit he can be a good dog. He's a good protector to the girls and I...and....and...hmm...what else ?

Right..I'll think of another good point I'm sure.

I have so much cleaning to do today. And, sitting here...I keep thinking of how big the list is of shit I have to do.

Besides cleaning...I really need to find my mojo for my Etsy store...I got nothin'.

Painting

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 14:18:38 GMT

Yesterday, at about 12:30 p.m. I went out front to plant the mini rosebushes in new pots...and then put in all these cool red white and blue flower picks that I bought.

Somewhere between opening the front door and walking to the garage...I had decided that it was high time to re-do the front porch.

Last summer I started it.

Ok, well I took off the old shit that was on there...I didn't really know I would be doing more so I didn't know I was "starting it". I just thought I was gettin' rid of the ugly shit.

Ugly shit is referring to the OUTDOOR CARPET that was on the FRONT porch ...who the hell does that ? Well after I took that off...it looked a teensy bit better, but teensy bit sucks. The brown and black itchy grubby shit was gone..but now we had cement with big globs of glue on it. So...I've pondered for months on what to do.

I shall paint it.

That's pretty much my solution to everything ugly...well except for people...no amount of paint helps ugly people. They just end up being ugly people with paint all over them.

I'm doing a stencil of rocks on the porch. So I paint a base coat of sand color on the porch and steps...then realize that I need to paint the railing too. I dunno about you but when I see the color swatch that says " java bean" I think dark brown..because that's what it said...and that's what it looked like. I panicked a bit when I started to paint and it was purple. Thank gawd it was just the first coat...

So, I stop painting the porch and do the railing. Which took two hours, and two fucking coats. But it was dark brown when it dried.

Then...gotta go to Lowe's to get a different color paint for the rocks. And....Lowe's they suck you in....but we won't go there...we'll just say I bought more shit.

Came home, and I bribed the kids with a slip 'n slide for the backyard. So...off to painting again.

Things were going smoothly.

Until. I heard a noise behind me . I turn and look up , and mere inches from me is psycho ghetto squirrel. Perched on the gutter....staring at me with his beady little eyes and flicking his tail. I don't know if you're not supposed to show fear to squirrels like with dogs...but damn I couldn't help it !

I started to walk slowly out of the flower bed...then he squeaked at me ! Bastard.

I jumped, dumped paint onto the hostas...and ran like a man on fire.

After I got to the middle of the yard and felt somewhat safe. I cursed at him, and said a little thanks for it being the middle of the day . That way none of my damn neighbors were home to witness this shit.

I decided that it was break time...so I relax for a bit...and wonder why in the hell...I couldn't of just planted the fucking flowers.

Break time quickly turned to quitting time.

Mainly because it was now 7 o'clock...and I had no idea where the kids were. They couldn't still be playing outside ...?

Naw they were chillin' in the family room...eatin' cheetos, and watchin' a movie.

So today...I have to finish what I started.

Mother's Day at the Cave

Mon, 15 May 2006 15:20:32 GMT

I did attempt to blog this last night...but the fact that I decided to fall asleep at approx. 7:30 p.m.....sort of interferred with that plan.

We got around late yesterday..the weather wasn't really

"go to a cave weather". It was a balmy 56 degrees and sprinkling out.

But...we decided to go anyway. We thought that after a 100 mile drive...the weather would clear up like the news had said and we'd be ok. The weather never cleared up but ...well we drove a 100 flippin' miles dammit !

So around 11 we finally got going.

I had glanced at the map..and didn't feel the need to print it because I could just remember where to turn and the names of the highways.

We drove down I-29 through Iowa....and I didn't start to question my "memorizing" skills until we crossed the Missouri state line...that part I didn't remember.

Trying to keep track of where we were going was difficult though, baby girl was in the back seat and about every 3 seconds she was saying

"Mom..gook...Mom gook...Mom...gook"...

"Yes baby I see it...it's pretty huh ?"

"Mom...gook...Mom...gook." Ughhh...who taught her talk dammit ?!

After checking mapquest on my phone and realizing that indeed we were going the right way...we found the place right away.

We got out of the truck to see the horses , they came right up to greet us..the girls thought the horse were fabulous until they were standing next to them...then they weren't so great anymore....

So after that we drive into the park itself...ok well technically...hubs drove about 55 mph past the "stop and pay here" sign ...then in reverse at about 60 mph after I screamed at him for doing that. The man running the "stop and pay here" place was less than thrilled about that.

They gave us a map of the park...the most unreadable map I have ever seen in my life .

Then of course "C" starts to cry as we drive...it's dark and rainy..and we are driving on a tiny road in a deep valley...and " Mommy has no idea what the map says !"

We drove through most of the park, stopping at a few select places...the St. Deroin Cemetary, the old school house and broom making building...and of course the scenic lookout and the cave itself.

We didn't decided to hike a trail until the very end. Trail 11....which on the park map looked very " do-able".

What they don't tell you is ...said trail is

"advanced" , meaning...if you have 4 kids and you've only hiked twice in your life...do not choose this trail .

I swear to you this thing was uphill both ways. and , when I say uphill...I mean "J" decided at one point to lay on her stomach and try to claw her way to the top...seriously.

It was quite a work-out to say the least.

After being there for about 4 hours...we decided that it was time to head home. Things were so quiet about 20 minutes into the drive..the girls started to doze and so did I.

The next thing I remember is hearing

" blaaaAAAhhh !!....!!!Mommmyyyy!!!Heeeellpp...!! Moomm.!!..Daddy Stop the car !! Help !!" From one kid...

AND...from another kid

" What ?!?! What ?!? Mom !!help her help her !! Mom help !! Oh my God...Dad !!!!!"

"AAahhhh I can't breathe I'm so scared...help stop the car !!!"

My eyes flew open and my heart was pounding...and I started screaming too..

"what ?! What's wrong? Honey ...what's the matter with them ?!?"

I thought for sure we had a rattlesnake crawling across the floorboard !

So we get pulled over and there's "C" with the tiniest tick I've ever laid eyes on in her hand.

I grab the damn tick and throw him out the door, tell her she's fine, and ask "J" why the hell she is screaming too ?...

" I was scared and Mommy make sure there are no ticks on me please !!"

As she's saying this she is also well on her way to peeling all her skin off with her fingernails.

The next 30 miles all we heard from those two was how they are never going hiking again, and they are taking showers as soon as they get home and putting on bug spray before they go outside.

Then of course...I was blamed for the ticks...because I had said " wear your hats to keep the ticks out of your hair." Those were my exact words...but they heard " if you wear a hat you won't get ticks anywhere on your body."

Identity...whose... ?

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 21:36:05 GMT

Yesterday's entry wasn't brought on by anything in particular...it just happened.

I am in the midst of an identity crisis. Ok well, not a "crisis" really...I do this about every six months or so...so more like an identity ....an identity...fuck I dunno something where I'm looking for it. Or me, or who I'm supposed to be.

Looking for my niche in life...there...that's what I'm doing .....still.

There are days when I think that this...whatever the hell "this" is...IS my niche...but how can it be that if I don't even know what the hell it is ?!?!

It's like, I'm walking around with a key. I have no idea what the fuck the key is for...but I keep it...and every now and then I try to open things with my stupid little key...and every damn time...the lock won't turn.

So then, I think..."I'm throwing this damn key away." Because obviously...it's just a junk key...a key that I picked up out of nowhere...that doesn't open anything.

I never really throw it away though..I keep it in my pocket...secretly hoping that I'll turn a corner someday...and there will be.....my magical lock...that my magical (previously junk) key will open.

Round hole...square peg....trying to fit into shit ..all the time...sometimes I get through the hole....then some bitch with a hammer comes and beats me out of it....uggh...where's the fucking square hole at ?!?!?

Most of the time just being here and being me is ok. But then...I remember back to my "little girl dreams"....unicorns, and fairydust, gumdrops....and whatever the hell else I'd dream of...like ya know...

My name in LIGHTS ! ...

Having to disguise myself in public to get away from the paparazzi....

Getting my tiara shined .....

Spending hours at a time signing my name to airbrushed pictures of myself to send to fans..

Walking around the mansion in my white robe and white slippers..with heels of course....

Getting my tiara shined...

Going to VIP parties and VIP clubs and art galleries...as THE VIP....

I mean ya know...the dreams about really important shit...about being the doctor that everyone wanted for their treatment...highly recommended, and widely respected....but a hot doctor with high heeled slippers...

Alright...I'm awake now...my pretend tiara is askew atop my frazzled ponytail.

My invisible white robe covering my t-shirt and jeans...

High heeled slippers are hidden in my Nikes....

And my real fan club wants me to start dinner...and my patient needs a band-aid for her knee.

Outside

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 16:08:14 GMT

Well...it looks like it's going to stay "spring-like" around here so yesterday...I did what many of us in this area call a "Navvarro"..

Navvarros' live a few blocks over, they had a nice house. But now....holy crap. It's like a mini-mansion. I don't know what the hell these people were thinking ! They have re-done every square in of that house...inside and out. They used to have just flower beds...so passe...now though...huge fountains and statues..with lights that shine on them, and huge flowing bouquets of flowers.

The house used to be just plain siding...now though it has a new concrete finish in a California tan color...they had just a plain old Eddie Bauer Expedition like us poor folk. But they've upgraded to a pimped out hummer(all chromed out..27 inch wheels..4 tvs built in along with a PS2 and X-Box)...which would not fit into the garage with thier 3 other cars...so they made the garage bigger. That silly above ground pool was replaced by a HUGE inground, and 7 foot tall fencing.

At first it was a beautiful sight to see...but now...it's out of control...Liberace has taken over.

I guess they plan on living there for quite some time...trying to sell it anytime soon won't happen. Well the trying part might but not the selling part.

Everyone knows that you never want to have the most expensive house on the block when it comes to selling time. Or tax time. But whatever...it just means that I can do alot of shit to mine without getting noticed.

Ok so I put a small fountain in front of the front patio. It's just a little cute thing...not Navvarro-ish ....but , now I've got the bug...I can hear Liberace telling me "more ! more !"....I'm trying my best to fight the spirit...but he's got Lowes on his side. And I heart Lowes !

Somebody...really come get this damn Lowes card out of my hands.......!

Yoga Pants

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 02:48:09 GMT

Yoga pants are the ones that you could easily wear to bed....and just as easily get away with wearing to the store..or picking the kids up from school.

Yup...I'm guilty of both...and I've even worn the SAME pair to bed then taken the kids to school .

But don't tell anyone...I've got a reputation to uphold ya know.

It's a "classy" way to say ..."I'm wearing sweats"....and they really are much cuter.

I bought two more pairs of them today, red with a white stripe down the leg...and a turquoise pair too.

Gotta have pants to match all the shoes, which by the way you can wear flip flops OR tennis shoes...just in case you had a question about that.

In the mornings yoga pants are just jammies worn with slippers and a baggy shirt, but if I'm wearing them "for the day", then they are comfy and cool.

Dress 'em up a bit with some necklaces , and super cute lil' tee...and of course some rockstar sunglasses.

My husband says that I'm one of those people that look like they just got out of bed...but with make-up and jewelry on.

Uhm....duh...that's the point ! You're supposed to look like that !

Like..... "dead sexy bitch that just got out of bed".

And amazingly enough..it takes alot of time and effort to find just the right ensemble to rock that look out.

So...unless you are prepared to take the time and effort to do so...don't try it.

You'll just end up lookin' like trash that was too lazy to get ready.