Omaha Momma

Just a swingin'

Tue, 06 May 2008 04:28:45 GMT

Let me start this off by saying that if your kids happen to get a swing set from their grandma, and you happen to be the stupid ass that says “ sure we can put this together”, then please re-think that. It’s a fabulous fucking swing set, in the picture. They show kids laughing open mouthed, swinging, climbing a rock wall and posing on the rope ladder, yet not an adult in sight. You wanna know why there is no adult in the picture ? Because either they are up on the patio holding cold margarita glasses to their heads or they are in the front yard talking to the police about some silly disturbance that a neighbor called in, it was just a misunderstanding on the neighbors part is all. I’m just saying, if your neighbors are threatening to strangle each other with a rope ladder, they probably don’t mean it.

It’s not like I could have strangled him with it anyway, it was all jumbled up in knots.

Whatever, it’s put together and no one is dead and the hangovers weren’t that bad. I did get a sunburn though which sucks because whenever I get a sunburn I get this really crazy rash on top of it. It’s a sun allergy that I reverse inherited, by that I mean I didn’t have it until I was pregnant with Poppy, and yes I totally blame her for it.

Since the swing set is up now were are working more on the back yard. It is slowly coming together, but for the love of God I can’t wait to get the trellis back up so that we aren’t looking right into the neighbor guy’s dining room window when we are out there. They probably think I’m a back yard stalker because every time they walk by the window and look out, there I am looking right back at them. But hell, when you’re there and you see movement you just look. And, you know they could close the effin’ blinds.

Oh speaking of neighbor’s, Darby, ya know Dodger and Darby ? Ok well she has a blog now, and her name is BarbieJ, you see how I rhymed with the name thing when I made her nickname ? Oh stop, I know, I’m ever so intelligent. Anyway, pop in and say hi and tell her Jess sent ya for a free………..well you don’t get anything really but you’ll like her !

Oh. My. God. Becky.

Fri, 02 May 2008 17:39:45 GMT

*Sigh*, can you imagine….twins ?

I feel like I should be there for her/him to say hello or good bye.

Jess, that is so wrong.

What ? It was my embryo dammit.

I dunno about you but to tell you the truth I don’t know how I’d handle it.

Ha ! That’s no lie, one of her is quite enough.

It makes sense though, she eats everything in sight, I guess she’s done it since conception.

God, that is so gross shut up.

Hey did you hear that ? I just heard her eyebrow say “ please don’t get rid of me !!”

Backstory:

One day while rubbing Mimi’s head when she was a newborn my hand ran across her eyebrow and I felt a tiny little bump on the brow bone. It was small, maybe half or less than half the size of a pea. I could palpate it and it was mobile and not doing anything to the overlying skin. She didn’t act like it hurt when I did that and so I chalked it up to one of the oddities that happens with newborns. Considering they are swollen and puffy for quite some time after birth, I just figured it would go away.

Some time later I felt it again and although it was possibly bigger I wasn’t sure and still she didn’t wince or push me away when I messed with it.

Early last week while she played I noticed that a few times within a few minutes she rubbed her eyebrow with the back of her hand, almost like it itched or she maybe had something in her eye.

I sat her on my lap to inspect her eye and when I did I felt the lump. This time though it was much bigger and obviously bothersome when touched.

I called the ped and they got us in that day. And, then Tuesday of this week we went to a pediatric opthamologist. We told me what I already knew, only because I googled it haha.

It appears to be a dermoid cyst. A cyst that is made up of normal tissue. Well normal if it’s on the outside of your body, not so normal inside it. These cysts can be made of skin, hair, sweat glands, organ tissue, and even teeth. They are almost always ..as in 99.8 % of the time benign and usually not found until later in life, it’s actually more common than we think.

The cause of this is, well it’s not all that well known. It can be a congenital defect from an embryo’s own development, OR it can be from what at first was another embryo only to be enveloped by the other.

It’s fetus in fetu at it’s smallest form.

Other cases are much more complete, as in a grown adult coming into the hospital with abdominal pain and what they think is fluid or cysts inside. They go into surgery and find a half developed fetus inside them. They are no more than parasites really, only alive because they are being kept alive inside a host. They are not viable, and never could be.

So, on May 22 we will be at Boystown Hospital here in Omaha to get Mimi’s twin removed from her eyebrow. We could wait to have it done but we chose to do it now for a few reasons.

1. It will continue to grow and possibly put pressure on her brow bone and orbit.

2. If she were to fall and rupture the capsule the cyst is in, it will spread and cause scar tissue and possibly infection.

3. The younger she is when we do this, the better chance that the scar will heal and be almost invisible.

3. Even though 99.8 % is really, really good, there is still that .2% that the back of my mind will not shut up about.

It’s an outpatient surgery so thankfully we get to come home that same day.

Wednesday

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:27:26 GMT

Ya know…if your job is to cut and style peoples hair every day, don’t you think you should maybe do your own fucking hair ? Why do people think I will pay them to do my hair when they aren’t even capable of getting off their fat ass to style their own hair and look presentable. Oh and putting your hair in a flip does not count as a style.

You know what else ? I am so sick of the Miley Cyrus shit. All over the news they’re saying “ what to say if your kids are asking questions about these new pictures of Miley.”

What do you say !?!? You say “listen here ya little shit, if I EVER see a picture of you anywhere with no clothes on…. I will beat your ass.” Plain and simple. You teach your kids by example, don’t expect other people to. If you do expect that and let it happen, then don’t come bitching to me when your daughter is a whore and your son is a gangbanger.

She is 15 years old and her parents were at this photo shoot, if anyone is to blame for her looking like a paid escort after a hard night at work, it’s her parents fault not hers. And, shame on the photographer too. I don’t give a damn how famous you are for your art, she is a child no matter how much she’s worth, and I have yet to see a “classy and artful” picture of a 15-year-old girl wearing only a sheet.

A woman from three houses down came by on Saturday. She came to bring me some books, to sell me shit really. She says “ oh I saw your daughter at church last week and she said that the two of you might like to order some candles or makeup.” Ok wait. You saw. My daughter. At church ? Really ? I ask her which daughter, knowing full well that all of my children were confined to my house all day Sunday. “Oh she has dark hair and is about 25.” Alright you bitch now I’m really mad. I will never deny that I look like hells queen when I have no makeup on, a bandana on my head and a baby on my hip but …seriously ? After the ambulance left I went right upstairs and put a bit of makeup on and changed out of my jammies.

I am tired and I am bitchy. I have taken 2 children to a total of 3 doctors appointments, one hospital visit, one surgical consultation, and one x-ray …in the past 6 days. My husband comes home yesterday saying that he has a mandatory meeting with corporate today and all the rumors were saying that the company was sold, just what we needed afuckingain. My house is such a pig sty that I honestly thought to myself that if it were to catch on fire I would get the kids, go shopping for a while and then call the fire department. I was so behind on work that I had to miss out on Poppy's concert to try and make up some time with it.

And, to top off all of that I woke up pissed because no matter how hard I tried all night I couldn’t get back into that dream I was having the night before, let’s just say that Ryan Phillipe and I were having a really, really good time. *Sigh*

Anyway, I will fill you in on the details of doctors, x-rays, surgery and ER visits tomorrow.

Varmints

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:47:23 GMT

These little sonofabitchin' squirrels are trying to kill me.

For over a year now they have been sharpening their teeth on the wood trim beside our garage doors. So, when I am around and I hear it I throw something at them. They run for a minute or two then go right back at it.

Yesterday I was out in the front yard picking up rocks that " no one" threw out of the rock garden I hear the gnawing noise but, it's coming from above my head. I look straight up to see one of the branches that fell onto another branch and has been just hanging there since our ice storm at the start of winter.....and the squirrel is chewing the branch, at the exact spot that it's hung up. The branch itself is a large two-pronged thing, it's pointed straight down, and for quite a while I didn't let the girls play under the tree for fear that the wind was going to blow it down on them.

It was obvious that his plan was to make the damn thing fall down and impale me on the front lawn. I was alone out there so he would have had time to gather an audience and become a hero among squirrels for offing the bitch that throws shit at them and throws away the peanuts and walnuts they hide in the flower gardens.

Anyway, I have to try and find something that will keep the squirrels away from the garage doors and while I'm at it something that will keep rabbits away from the hostas because I get so pissed when my hostas are growing so healthy only to have 25 of those little bastard rabbits come and eat them.

We're renting a dumpster this week to get rid of the shit we've accumulated since the last time we rented one. Finally, hubs is on board and ready to help me get rid of all of it. The main thing is this stupid damn toilet that is posing as a statue next to the shed. Remember when I called the plumber to put in the new toilet ? Well, at the time I assumed when he took the old one out he put it someplace in his truck or something. Nope. I walked around the side of the house the other day and there it was. The porcelain God, glinting in the light of the Sun God.

I had hubs convinced that I was going to "decorate it up real purdy and put flowers in it, because it would look totally cute like that." Nothing like threatening to use a toilet as a planter to convince him that it's time to get rid of shit.

Thursday

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:42:31 GMT

The corvette was a big hit with Didda !

The not so good part about it is that the child’s driving skills are a combination of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. The stop sign and Didda are not BFF’s. And, trying to sing along with the radio and drive leads to nothing but a tiny corvette halfway on the curb and Didda’s out trying to push the car back onto the sidewalk while yelling at the car, because it is obviously the cars fault for not being able to compensate when she lets go of the steering wheel while still pressing the gas so she can dance.

We are all stuck inside again tonight. It has started raining and after being 77 degrees yesterday, tomorrow it’s going to be 40.

I’m drinking coffee at 8:26 in the evening , in my jammies, getting into the mindset of just being cozy since it will be like that all day tomorrow. I really want to just go to bed, but I still have at least an hour of typing to do. This damn doctor has decided that he can actually work a full fucking day and not die from exhaustion, too bad he chooses to do it the week I feel like I could.

Yesterday I worked all day and still had work to do when I went to bed at 11, then back up at 6 to finish , only to get just as much today. When I normally get half that amount it’s a bit of a shock and when I saw the amount I had today again I honest to God wanted to stomp my feet and cry like a little girl.

I worked on it today when I could, between volunteering at the school and taking Mimi to the doctor. I just couldn’t even focus on what I was doing and found myself getting online or just walking away. Then a few minutes later I would sit back down and type a bit more. The entire time though I was singing in my head “Just keep swimming”…ya know the one that Dori sings in Finding Nemo ?

Only worked for so long though because, as you can tell I’m not working right now.

The monotony is the worst part of it, and making bad feel like worse there are days when I type only cases that are grave and the doctor is telling people that they may go home and die tonight, or they may live another two weeks. It’s sad to begin with and then I think about how these people must feel and their family too. Just waiting to die.

The same patient’s are in every week, so every day it’s like a sort of soap opera. When I have typed a persons case for months and they are declining and dying, I feel like someone I know is dying. I read their obituaries and even though they never knew I existed I know they did and I miss them too.

Tuesday

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:05:46 GMT

Another couple that we are, or used to be, close to is getting a divorce. This was news to me, and from the way it sounds it was news to “V” as well.

I don’t know if you remember any of it, but awhile back I talked about these friends of ours that one day “V” just stopped talking to me. She avoided me and wouldn’t even look at me. After so long of this I got pissed and decided “she could fuck herself”, because I didn’t care anymore.

Her husband on the other hand, was what you might call a bit of a stalker. He’d drive by our house. He’d pull up in the driveway and be sitting there for who knows how long until I looked out there, and when I did look he’d leave. If the girls were outside when he was “ just in the neighborhood” he would ask what I was doing and if I was going anywhere.

I think he got bored because I just ignored it all, and he stopped. I had told hubs that it seemed like “he” drove by a lot, but didn’t go into detail. Mainly because I didn’t want my husband in prison for murder, or at the very least assault.

Slowly over the past school year “V” has started to talk to me and sort of act like she used to. I responded by being cordial and leaving it at that. Then, the day I heard about the divorce and the fact that “he” was trying to take the kids away and make her move out, I told her that even though something, I dunno what, had happened I would stand by her for this. No matter what our situation was, it is undeniable that the kids should be with her. They are her life, and everyone who has ever met her or her kids can see that.

She emailed me explaining that at our New Year’s Eve party one year, I said something that made her mad. Instead of confronting me about it, she shrunk away, got pissed and stayed that way. I emailed back and told her that was so teenager, and if I did say something that pissed her off that bad then why the hell didn’t she tell me ? I don’t doubt I said something out of line, we were all playing games and yelling, oh and we’d had a teensy bit to drink…..you do know that if you drink 10 shots it still counts as teensy because those glasses are so small.

Now though, ugh. She asked me to write a letter for her as a character witness. In the letter besides telling the judge how great of a parent that she is, but she also asked me to write about anytime there ever was that he showed his true colors. Everyone has always said he’s a controlling jerk. He has the classic “little man syndrome”. That part I can talk about easily. But how would I go about talking about his stalker-ish behavior ? I do have a couple of witnesses, for two of the times, but I know it would more than likely sound like I’m just making him out to be a freak for the purpose of child custody.

Obviously, I'm a dumbshit and should have stayed out of it.

Little Red Corvette

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:26:55 GMT

Please excuse me while I take a bow of enormous proportions.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yesterday afternoon, I pulled what Kat called the “rabbit out of the hat”.

But, this rabbit is a rare rabbit. And the hat was Toy’s R Us. I went shopping yesterday afternoon looking to buy some small little one-seater battery operated car for Miss Fancy Pants. After a bit of browsing I saw a car that had no tag, and was a bit dusty on the end of the aisle. I asked about the price, which was clearanced down over 130 dollars off original price, and just happened to be an extra 20 % off the clearance price. I mentioned that two of the stickers were starting to peel so she offered to take 50 more dollars off and give me the two year warranty for half-off. Sold !

I know she wanted a Barbie Jeep like the neighbor girl, along with her custom specs, some of which she won’t get. I also know that when Didda’s rolls up to the neighbor girl in her so passé pink and white and purple Jeep, that Didda is gonna look like a baby baller in that little red corvette.

It has shiny wheels, that should translate into “sparkly”, it has a radio that will play “Apple Bottom Jeans”, it has two seat belts.

It doesn’t have doors that open, and it is not pink and purple and “all of the girl colors”. Those she can get over, quickly. Like a whole 2.5 miles per hour or 5 miles per hour quickly, I think we’ll stick with 2.5 until she gets the hang of it.

Saturday

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:30:21 GMT

So that whole "going to Kansas for the weekend" plan is out. I told hubs that it was this weekend and he if course doesn't listen and thinks I told him nothing so.....

I could have went with just the kids but , well I just really don't wanna go without him again. Anyway, he's a butthead.

The good thing is that the weather is finally going to be awesome in Omaha ! Good for today, but tomorrow not so much because hubs will be hitting the golf course. And, I'll be here playing in the dirt. My flower beds look like hell and need cleaned and I'm totally ok with that because it means I can go outside and do something. I'm sick and tired of being cooped up in the house. It's one thing when you want to be inside, but when you are just stuck in here because you have to be, it ain't fun no more dammit.

Didda's birthday is Monday and she has decided that she'll have a new car for her birthday gift. A small power wheels one. But there are special requests that she's made.

1. The doors have to open.

2. The driver door has to say "Didda: in sparkles.

3. The wheels have to have sparkles.

4. It has to have seat belts.

5. It has to have a radio that plays "Apple Bottom Jeans".

6. It has to be purple and pink, and "the rest of the girl colors, but no boy colors".

Right, so she's 4 and wants a custom car. Here I thought that since we told all of them that we were getting them new bikes that would be enough. She (Didda) said " it's ok if you don't get me one Momma, I will be too busy driving my car to ride a bike." How curteous Didd, thank you.

Tuesday

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 22:43:02 GMT

I know, it’s been a few days. But, the Pope (Benedict aka Benny Sexy) just got in the country and wanted to stop by and chill for a bit before he headed to D.C. I dunno, the previous Pope (John Paul aka The J.P) must have dropped my name to him . Who can blame a guy for stopping in Omaha and hanging out on my chaise and watching Judge Judy. I remember when Pope John Paul came to the country and he wouldn’t fly over this place in Kansas, it’s supposedly the gate to Hell or something ? Stull I think is the name of the place, I’ll look and put a link in here if I can find it. The newspapers wrote about it too, so you know it’s true . Here is the link STULL

So I did solicit some Pope-ally advice from his while he was here. First, I was all worried because I saw a commercial on MTV about how you can text your name and your partners name to this number and they will tell you if you are compatible. Turns out, hubs and I aren’t compatible, at all. So now I have to break the news to hubs that I filed divorce papers. I mean, if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be, you can’t change text message fate.

Second, I asked him a question that has been bugging the shit out of me for ages now. Why, why do people and animals tilt their head to the side when something puzzles us ? I honestly think it’s funnier than hell when a dog does it and I am so easily amused that I do things to make dogs do this and still I laugh.

Well, I can’t tell you the advice he gave me about my issues, but I can tell you this. Don’t buy a 100 pack of trash bags unless you feel like going on a search and picking up 200 trash bags. Only meaning that I bought that big fucking box only to have Mimi take them ALL out twice, hiding numerous ones under the sofas. Also, when you see the thing that tells you not to let kids play with plastic bags and you wonder “ whose kid would do that ?” Mine would.

Sunday

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 16:40:33 GMT

The past week has been a week full of work. We finally got the two eldest’s rooms moved to the basement, but before that we had to transform it from a storage/dungeon/giant laundry room. We tore up carpet, painted floors, painted walls, then finally got them moved. Aaaannnnd then it was onto Poppy and Didda’s room to paint and hang their stuff. Their beds aren’t in there yet . After moving two mattresses, two box springs, and a dresser down two flights of stairs without hubs, my body is still sore and the thought of moving more shit even though it’s only across the hall makes me wanna throw up a little bit.

I’ll get to it today though, because if I don’t then they’ll have nowhere to sleep. Hubs, of course, is at work so it’s all me again. If it wasn’t for that whole “paycheck” thing, I’d make him quit that damn job so I didn’t have to do so much manual labor.

Yesterday could have been the final day in all the mess but I had to stop working mid afternoon to take Jam to the bar. I mean, she’s 11 now, it’s high time her ass learns how to hold her liquor. Really though, it was a karaoke bar that was booked for a private party. So I took her into the party room and bellied up to the bar and got wasted. I was kidding about her holding her liquor but 11 is plenty old enough to drive momma’s drunk ass home. Hey, it was only 4 p.m. so it was light out and the traffic wasn’t even that bad.

Tomorrow they go back to school after a week of spring break. That means back to work typing for me for a few days then back to Kansas for the weekend. Spend time with the family, and head down to the town I’m famous in. Yep, I’m famous somewhere, Melvern, Kansas is where. Some people might say that doesn’t count because there are only like 4 people who actually live IN the town and I’m related to 3 of them, but dammit all 4 people in the town know my name so it counts ! I am sort of sad that we didn’t make it down last weekend though, they had their annual “rock-paper-scissors” tournament downtown at the local watering hole, and I totally kick ass at that game, I should though , they don’t give out scholarships to just anyone for that shit.

Thursday

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 15:27:51 GMT

I doubled pierced Jam and Banas ears yesterday and Poppy just got her first ones. They voted to have me do it with the at home kit rather than a stranger at the mall or Wal-Mart. So we got Bana and Poppy done without incident and even without tears. So I get Jams first one in and the back is stuck in the little ear piercing gun and will not come out. She freaks out and tries to pull it and when she can’t get it she takes off running like a chicken on fire crying, with that damn ear piercing thing hanging off her ear. She didn’t realize that, 2 seconds into her fit that the instrument had fallen to the floor and here she was still running and crying thinking that she was sure to go back to school with a top earring that eerily resembled a little white ear piercing gun.

After I laughed at her for still freaking out and showing her it was off, we did the other ear, only to suffer the same fate. One more reason not to buy shit at Wal-Mart. Oh I know it’s not Wal-Mart’s fault directly, but making her believe that made me feel better.

Didda was very close to getting her ears done until she saw that shit, and quickly decided that she would “wait until she’s 5 and taller” to get hers done.

Mimi was not having any part of it, she saw me wiping ears down with alcohol pads and she was gone, having a traumatic memory of two weeks ago getting the alcohol pad wipe down before shots. She threatened me as you can see here :

I know she looks all cute, but she was telling me that if I attempted to pierce her ears she'd poke me in the eye with a stick as she demonstrated.

B-Dub of course couldn’t get his pierced, because he’s a boy and he’s like 6 weeks old, it just didn’t seem right. But I did get him this today.

We had just finished watching a "KISS" video so pardon his tongue expression.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIOOOONS...WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS !

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:43:16 GMT

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWKS !! GO KU !!

If it's not one toilet, it's another

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 20:45:20 GMT

The toilet in the girls bathroom finally got replaced ! It has been being a pain in the ass for quite a bit and, hubs thinks that there is nothing wrong with having to use a damn plunger every time you flush. I replaced the guts to the family room toilet, and now this so, soon the bathroom in my room will probably explode or something.

Yesterday after walking in their bathroom and seeing that the bowl part was empty but yet the tank was full, I’d had enough. I went to Lowe’s, bought a toilet, called the plumbers, and had the toilet installed all before 2 yesterday afternoon.

This pleased me so, but hubs was not pleased, it was more of a “pissed off” thing.

He told me that he could install the toilet and, if you will all remember the baby gate drama you will all agree with why I said “not a chance in hell buddy.” He then said he could have someone he “knows” install it. Again, no way in hell. Because that would mean it would be 3 weeks from now and the guy would get here and we’d find out the hard way that he really doesn’t know how to install a toilet but it didn’t sound that hard so he thought he could do it.

After listening to him bitch about how we paid almost as much for installation as we did the toilet, I reminded him that not everyone can be paid to do whatever for a 12-pack of beer. A twelve pack of beer that normally gets drank before the job is done and call me crazy but the thought of having an inexperienced drunkard install a toilet in my house just didn’t sound right.

Regardless, the toilet is there and for the love of God it flushes and you don’t even have to plunge it ! Hey, some days ya just have to smile and be happy the shitter works.

Thursday

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 19:47:00 GMT

The other day Hubs came home from work announcing that he'd scored me a free t-shirt at work. I pretended that was very sweet of him (he got the shirt, just because not for me really) and tossed the shirt on the counter. Later I walked by the shirt, grabbed it and held it up to see what it looked like. It's a Sailor Jerry's Rum shirt, like I can wear that to pick the kids up or something, around the house yeah, but more than it being an alcohol shirt is this.

Yep there's a monkey on it, a monkey who is bending over saying "Aloha" with his asshole as the "o" in the word and he has very obvious monkey testicles. (Which are uncomfortably close to his mouth in that drawing if ya ask me).

I yelled at him to c'mere and asked why in the hell he thought I'd wear this thing ! I told him that anything with monkey nuts on it is not my "style". He was shocked too because he didn't even bother to look at the shirt before bringing it home.

I put it upstairs in the closet, I'm sure I can wear it to paint in. But the next day Poppy comes out with that shirt and wants to wear it to bed because it has her favorite animal on it. Ehhhh.....no kid, sorry but you will not be wearing that because it has a monkeys nuts and butthole on there. I mean, I have to draw the line at inappropriate dressing somewhere !

Yesterday at the school, Diddas is talking to Baby boy and he reached up and grabbed her hands and held on, I laughed and said " what a little monkey man you are !" About 5 minutes pass and a few other parents had gathered and Diddas goes back to play with Babes and says" Hi ya little monkey nuts!"

Wednesday

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 18:01:31 GMT

It all started only minutes after we had gotten home. My kids, my sisters kids and my youngest brother, H.B. ( he's 7), were all playing out back. The neighbor girl, (she's 7 also) who has some sort of "stalking/spying" disorder was at her usual spot hanging on the fence with her face just high enough to see what our kids were doing. She spies because my sisters kids are no longer allowed to play with her. Mainly because she's a little psycho.

AAaaaaaanyway. Banas comes running in the house saying that H.B. is in HUGE trouble and the neighbor lady yelled at him. After getting the kids all together and hearing the story that H.B. told the girl to quit staring and when she didn't he called her a "buttsniffer", the girl falls into a raging fit and goes to tell her mom. Pill popper (she's the mom), comes out and proceeds to call H.B. an asshole. He is 7 mind you, but she didn't care.

Before the kids had finished telling the rest of the story, my sister was out the front door. I was trying not to break my neck getting my shoes on while I was running behind her. Tawny was yelling at the dad who was hanging out in his garage watching t.v. He starts yelling back at my sister about how inappropriate the word "buttsniffer" is. Right about then I rounded the corner, and was about to get in his face but I couldn't. Why you ask ? Because there was a baby gate across the garage, the kid is 7 and they have no pets so I guess the guy isn't smart enough to get over a baby gate and his wife keeps him there. He back into the middle of the garage as my sister and I both were telling him off. His daughter runs into the house to get P.P. and she comes flying out the door like a fat kid who heard we had cake.

She was taken aback at the fact that she saw not only my sister there but me too. In our discussion of loud screaming and threats (mainly from me), she admitted that she called him an asshole but it was more wrong for him to call her "precious baby girl" a buttsniffer. And she is more than qualified to make this judgement because she is a kindergarten teacher, oh and she is qualified my her teaching degree to assess H.B. in a psychological way, because according to her he needs serious help.

The closer we got to her the more she shrunk back into the garage , where her pussy ass husband stood idly by, and when I attempted to open that fucking baby gate she was ready to call the sheriff's office. There was more yelling, and my sister and I neither one remember what we said. After one more attempt at the gate she was really calling the cops and told me to get off her private property. To which I kindly replied " fuck your property, I'll piss on your property."

Ok now, I know that was all so very mature of us both and why in the hell I would piss on a persons front lawn I don't know but that statement just sort of flowed out of my mouth so easily. And, even though I was so mad I was shaking like a dog shittin' a peach pit, I snorted with laughter after I said it.

Oh and, let's not mention this story to my sister, she said we can't talk about it anymore.

Sunday

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:37:54 GMT

We made it home early this afternoon. My days have blended together so badly that the fact that it’s Sunday already has me confused still.

I talked to grandma a bit ago for over an hour, she seems to be doing well. My sister is keeping her on track and taking care of so much. I’m proud of her for being that person for our grandma.

Speaking of my sister, tomorrow I’ll tell you a story about her neighbors. I don’t want to go into the whole thing right now but it involves her neighbors, the word “buttsniffer”, me and my sister, a HUGE yelling match, a near fist fight, a kindergarten teacher, and a phone call to the sheriff. Always remember this…..messing with the children of two sisters who aren’t all that mentally stable to begin with and lost their grandpa only hours before is a really really bad idea.

Oh and one more thing !! Rock Chalk Jayhawk !!! Go KU !!

Friday

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:57:48 GMT

My Papa has passed away. We have been in Kansas since Tuesday as one of his last requests was to see his grandson. He held him, kissed him and baby boy was in the room with him when he passed. Last month marked 54 years of marriage for my Nanny and Papa, she even said the last few have been the best. If you believe in angels then know that my grandpa is there and even though he's probably fishing most of the time, he is going to be one angel that Heaven is honored to have.

Here is the link to his obituary: Papa

Monday

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:00:48 GMT

I spent an hour today alphabetizing my new Dr. list. The list was pretty long yeah, but it took me that long because somehow, somewhere I lost my ABC smarts.

It was all good until I had 9 doctors with names that started with the same letter and so it was essential to look at the second letter…that had me all fucked up and I sang my alphabet 97 times today. And, now I have the alphabet song stuck in my head, which ain’t so bad when you consider that yesterday the song in my head was “Piece of me” by Britney Spears.

Oh, Darby dropped the bomb on Dodger about the divorce, and he didn’t shoot her, so that’s a good thing. Sorry, I know that was off the subject but I just remembered when I saw her drive by.

Speaking of neighbors, the guy behind us whose girlfriend was still at the funeral home while he was screwing the new chick….remember ? Well they cooled it for a bit because the dead womans brother was stalking him. Neighbor guy told me that a few weeks ago before baby was born but I forgot to tell you. The reason he told me was because he wanted me to call the cops if I saw the guy at his house during the day when he wasn’t there. But now things are back on strong and nasty as ever. By nasty I mean full on making out open mouth kissing on the front lawn. Not just a French kiss, that shit you see people do on t.v. where their mouths are an inch away from each other and instead of just getting closer to each other they let their tongues reach out to one another. Gag. Gag. Gag.

Well, I really need to go. I got on here to compare carpet prices and got sidetracked.

Know when to say when....please !

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:49:02 GMT

Dropping off the kids at school in the mornings is always the same. Like I've said before. Moms in jammies and baseball caps, some dressed for work , scrubs or heels, Dads wearing slippers. Yeah.. there are Dads there too, the ones that are trying that whole "stay at home Dad" thing, or as I like to call it, lazy bastard that has a wife that makes more money and carries his balls in her front pocket. Dude, I'm kidding.

Mornings, unlike after school pick-up, are your "free pass" at school. Although jammies are acceptable and slippers are the norm, there is a line that ya just don't cross. That would be, hammer pants. Of all fucking things, I would never imagine that in 2008 I'd see a person wearing HAMMER PANTS. For the love of all things good in the world will someone tell me how we have any pairs of those that weren't put in a burn pile 15 years ago !?!?!? Oh and I do have to say that these were tye dye bitches too. Blue, white, and yellow tye dye hammer pants.

There were 45 SUV's all stopped mid-intersection this morning when that woman was going across the cross walk. I think she felt like a model on the catwalk too, which makes sense considering all the camera phones that were clicking away right then. *****On the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, she does her little turn on the catwalk....*****

After getting back home the phone rang, you know how the phone tree works right ? In an emergency so-and-so calls the other so-and-so then they call other people. The mornings emergency was all hammer time talk, and who this mystery woman was. She's new , we know that much. And, she needs help. Too bad for her I'm not in the mood to "help" and watching someone else get made fun of is just the kind of thing that makes me smile today.

Well ! I'm off to Lowe's, damn toilet handle thinga-ma-bopper broke and it's up to me to fix it, cause Hubs isn't here and even if he was I'd have to dig through my pockets to find his balls so he could be all manly and fix on the terlet.

Before I go though.....say it with me.....ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK !!! GO KU !!!

I'll take "Questions I don't want to answer for 500 Alex....."

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:03:23 GMT

The weekend that baby boy went to the hospital, my mom and two brothers were here to see us. It was so cool, and except for that whole " baby in the hospital" part we had a good time.

That weekend though, it started a plethora of private questions that come out of kids' mouths that are aimed at me, the one person who can't say "penis" without smirking.

My 7-year-old brother walked upstairs and just blurts out "Jess what is a Lesbian ? ".....That one was easy because I'm not his mother and I can defer the answer to her.

But, yesterday after talking with Jam about her "special video" that she'll be watching at school next week and assuring her that I would answer any questions she had, she has the balls to take me to task and our on way to the store she asks me what a "nocturnal erection" is.

Dammit kid, I was just saying I'd answer those questions to make you think I'm like all comfortable with this shit....and not only do you really ask, you do it while I'm driving, I swear to God I just about spilled my beer.

I would love to tell you how I answered that, but I talked in circles so much that I confused my damn self. Today though, I'm preparing myself and so tonight when she comes home with more questions, I will answer oh so knowledge-able, calmly and mother-like.

Photo Album: March 18

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:50:41 GMT

March 18

Diaper Dandy Baaaaaaby !

100_3665

Dude, check out this move I learned

Photo Album: Baby Boy !

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 08:32:15 GMT

Baby Boy !

Photo Album: The NEW outfit---approved by Dad

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:54:46 GMT

The NEW outfit---approved by Dad

Hat

polo

Photo Album: The "outfit"

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 12:58:17 GMT

The "outfit"

babyoutfit

Photo Album: December 23

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 20:23:11 GMT

December 23

Makin' cookies in our jammies !

Photo Album: Town and Wedding

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:11:46 GMT

Town and Wedding

Prissy Ass Princess Cracker and Hubs

Church former Bar #1 outskirts of town

With notes--excuse my "mouse writing" !

Former bar #2 Cathfish Johns--old bar/baitshop

Copper waiting for ya !

Highway view of CatFish Johns

Trailer Park before town

Main Street

Oh remind me to tell you about this place !

Prom kids smoking at General Store outside of Limo

More Photos...

Photo Album: March 19

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 03:00:48 GMT

March 19

Photo Album: www.SoVeryGlamourJess.Etsy.Com

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 04:55:48 GMT

www.SoVeryGlamourJess.Etsy.Com

badassdew rag

How fitting

crazybitch2

feather necklace

milf1

milf3

skater dew rag

bandana

bandana3

cherry1

More Photos...

Photo Album: January 17

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 04:39:40 GMT

January 17

AuntieM and Me !

Happy_Dust

hellkat

don't piss mommy off on the road trip...mmmkay ?

Photo Album: November 27

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:26:10 GMT

November 27

bday cake

Photo Album: I need a name !

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 19:45:49 GMT

I need a name !

Boy

Photo Album: Party

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 19:07:40 GMT

Party

Mummy

Spider Tree

Front Lawn

Witchs Brew

Front Door

Some treats

Skull Table

Entrance to garage

mummy

Photo Album: August 16

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:06:52 GMT

August 16

Girls Before Open House at School

Photo Album: Margaret Magoo

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:08:28 GMT

Margaret Magoo

This my friends, is Margaret...also known as Marge when she dresses like this.

Note the shoes that are mine, a tennis hat, pj pants that are her sisters, necklace that I dunno where it came from. Marge knows how to put an outfit together !

Photo Album: From My Sister

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 18:05:59 GMT

From My Sister

Available in 32 oz. !

Mommy made breakfast !

Thanks Sis...

Photo Album: July 10

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 14:05:09 GMT

July 10

Me and the nephew

My kids, my sisters kids, and my brother !

Let's chase the parachutes !

JamTart

jam

Mimi

this girl has rock star in her blood ! My niece.

smokebombs

Bopher-Butt

Didda

More Photos...