Omaha Momma

When I was pregnant with Dub, everyone (myself included) used to say “God he’s gonna be so girlie with 5 sisters !”

I cannot tell you how very wrong that statement is. I’m a full believer that most of your habits and personality are already there when you’re born. Yeah, there’s much to be said about learned behavior too but I can assure you I didn’t teach the boy to be like this.

From the moment his eyes flutter open in the morning it’s like he’s a robot that’s been recharged on turbo. He does everything fast and big. I set his feet on the floor and he’s off. He runs to every single place he knows to reach things he’s not supposed to. I chase him, and we’re off to the next one.

He can’t walk by one of his sisters without attempting to grab whatever it is they may have. Cell phone, food, remote, pillow. It makes no difference to him, if they have it he wants to get it. Not so he can “have” it, but just to piss them off. This is also the reason random people from all of our contact lists get calls and voicemails that make no sense. While running away with his loot he pushes buttons and laughs. So FYI, if you get a voicemail from one of us and all you hear is someone yelling at him to come back here, the rustling of a toddler running, and the evil laugh of a boy aiming to piss a girl off, that’d be him.

He’s such a little bull ! The other day I was in my room putting laundry away and I hear Poppy yell his name. It was a yell that raised the hair on my neck because I was pretty sure he had to be chugging a bottle of drain cleaner or something. I ran down to see him making his way through the living room with the trim from the wall in the dining room. A 12 foot piece of trim that only moments before had been attached to the wall.

If something he wants is behind the sofa, he’s getting it. No matter if you’re on the sofa or if you think the sofa is entirely too big to be shoved aside by a 1-year-old.

He sees mud and it’s like it calls to him while drowning out all other sounds in the world. He doesn’t hear me saying if he dare does he’s gonna be in trouble, he doesn’t hear the pleads to not even think about it. I can run after him but it makes no difference. When I said robot recharged on turbo, I wasn’t kidding. The boy runs faster than I would even if my ass was on fire.

Girls, are catty. And yeah they are mean. Say shit to hurt your feelings if they get pissed. Play the guilt card whenever they think appropriate even for the small shit. But, I’m a girl and I know that game. I play it pretty damn well myself thank you very much.

What I’m not is a body building, flame throwing, ninja. And I don’t know how I’m gonna survive the next 2 decades.

Ah yes.....the lunch date.

He is hot and muscular and tan and adorable and sweet and nice and hot and muscular Seriously. Oh and he drives a big red truck every day at work, rescues people blah blah, something about fires or somethin, I dunno I was too busy looking to hear anything.  What's wrong with him ? Uh hello did ya read all that shit I just wrote ?!?!? That's what's wrong !! He can't possibly be all of those and just that. I've spent the last 24 hours playing "look for the big fault that was right in front of your face but you were too busy not looking for it to see it" game. (remind me to think of a shorter name for that game).

Now I know I might sound a little more than well what's the word ? Conceited, yeah that one. BUT I'm the one who makes the rules here. Guys hit on me and I'm like "pfft whatever" or they hit on me and I like them a little then I realize that it's still a guy and he's more than likely gonna be a dick in the very near future. Sooooo I say ok now you can go away.

So, here I sit. Waiting for Friday when I see him again. Waiting to play the "look for the big fault that is right in front of your face but you were too busy not looking for it to see it" game. I'm gonna look really hard this time...for the fault I mean not at the other shit ! Wait. Can someone come with me and be my real eyes so MY eyes can just look ?!?

Wow. I don't even know if I know how to do this anymore. Had I never stopped this wouldn't be an issue I suppose ?

Well. Where to start........which this is only the start I promise. The gaps and drama will all be filled in but who has that kind of time today !?!?

Things are ok. Things have really been a damn mess for quite some time but they are turning out for the best even though I doubted it would even be close to that.

Our divorce was final the 19th of May. There are still some people that say they are shocked about it all and I guess maybe I can see why.

Not really though. To be honest most of the time in the last few months of our marriage I put on a happy face most days. To the whole world myself included.

My heart had not been happy for, uhm ok can I tell you that my heart had not been happy or whole or okay for as long as I can remember. Yeah most of it is the typical “I had a bad childhood and I have Daddy issues”, the rest was the fact that Chris and I had been together since we were 14. I’m not saying it can’t happen for some people to be in that situation and grow up and grow old together without growing apart. But, we did. Our relationship was more of a sibling thing than a marriage. Yes, I KNOW it gets to that point with everyone. But no, not like this. There was no physical attraction or even want to be around him anymore. I was here because I had to be and so was he (when he was).

6 kids. Yep. Why ? Because these living, breathing, loving, sticky, moody, smelly, yummy, wonderful creatures are the reason my heart beats. I now realize that my kids were somewhat of an attempt to make myself feel needed and loved at all times. Selfish. Fine. But I love them and need them two fold what they do for me. I don’t take them for granted and never will. I don’t regret it or look back and say “man if I didn’t have all these kids shit would be easier”, even when people tell me that exact thing. My life would be easier with 6 arms, and a maid too, but really.

For awhile I was almost lost. Happy that I had control over my own destiny but scared shitless that I was going to fuck it up, making me afraid to do anything with my control. I’m getting there though and every day I wake up with more plans for my future and the need to make my life what I want for me and my babies.

I’m lucky to have a family that loves me and supports me, even though I tried at times to push them away and pretend that where I came from was nothing like what it really was. I have friends that accept me for the crazy moody bitch I am. Which says a lot because I am insane and I don’t know why anyone would want to accept that but they did and now they’re screwed !

Today I love my life. I love that I see the sun. I love that my kids will hug me and tell me they love me. I love that I am me. I love that I love myself.